What is the impact of a dysfunctional family on children?
“In South Africa, the ‘typical’ child is raised by their mother in a single-parent household. Most children also live in households with unemployed adults.” ¹
“70% of black children grow up without a father present.” ¹
- “The latest available data about fathers in South Africa shows that the proportion of fathers who are absent and living increased between 1996 and 2009, from 42% to 48%.” ¹
- Over the same period, the proportion of present fathers decreased from 49% to 36%.” ¹
- African children under 15 years had the lowest proportion of present fathers in 2009 at 30%, compared to 53% for coloured children, 85% for Indians, and 83% for whites.” ¹
Children in dysfunctional families have no control over their toxic environment.
They grow up with emotional scars caused by repeated trauma and pain from parents’ actions, words or attitudes. The trauma can start from when they are born through their teenage years into adulthood. Adults attempt to escape past pain by engaging in destructive behaviours such as addictions. But unfortunately, they also tend to repeat the mistreatment done to them and do the same to their children – instead of breaking the cycle of abuse and maltreatment.
Common Signs of a Dysfunctional Family ²
- Family members lack empathy, respect and boundaries towards family members.
- They will borrow or destroy personal possessions without consent.
- They quickly invade the privacy of another family member without permission.
- There is abuse in the family – emotionally, verbally and physically between parents/ children/ siblings.
- Sometimes, role reversal happens when children act as parents in these families.
- Family members can become isolated if, for example, the father prohibits friendships with people outside the family.
- Some families are secretive; extremist parents (religious fundamentalists) enforce denial and rigid rules.
- Some parents have unrealistic expectations of their children (parents’ expectations beyond their child’s skills, abilities and development) and expect them to be perfect.
- Family members are not allowed to talk about what they feel or think. (They do not allow their children to have opinions and do not accept sadness or happiness.)
- In some families, parents use their children as a weapon against the other parent in revenge.
- There is no unconditional love and acceptance because everything has a price tag. Family members manipulate each other to get what they want.
Types of Dysfunctional Families ²
Different dynamics drive dysfunctional families. Basem Abbas Al Ubaidi described the following dynamics in the Journal of Family Medicine and Disease Prevention article. ¹
When every family member argues with the other in harmful ways that leave wounds to rot, the causes come from corrupt parental style (abusive, authoritarian). In addition, prolonged conflict can damage a child’s neurochemistry (breeds stress/insecurity and loss of a child’s attachment). It is one where severe psychological and mental health disorders and impaired parents from substance abuse/drug addiction are present over one or both parents (having diagnosable schizophrenia or bipolar disorder) or a personality disorder in the parent. The family roles are usually reversed (children are more responsible and in charge of daily functioning) because of their one or two impaired parents. Unhealthy pathology is sometimes contagious (it breeds problems or social deficiencies in children). It is where children are poorly looked after by busy and non-present parents or parental inadequacy. It has no clear regulations/rules or expectations and no consistency. Parents may move in and out of the house, and their traditional caretakers are inconsistent. Older siblings often develop early parental figures; therefore, family attachment and security are often severely threatened. School-age group victims usually have concentration problems and discipline difficulties. Many future secondary abuse & neglect issues commonly arise in the adult age group. It is ruled by a dictator parent, with no consideration for the other family members’ wishes or feelings. The other partner is usually depressed, with many negative, angry emotions (one parent is strict and controlling, and the other is soft and passive). All family members are miserable and dissatisfied with life from an unhealthy relationship but are passively obedient to the dominant adult and show little open revolt. It shows severe long-term negative consequences, as one parent tries to control others without considering their personal needs. Families with social/cultural backgrounds don’t know how to show love and affection (show little or no warmth towards each other). Children learn from their parents that feelings should be repressed (they seem uncomfortable opening up to each other). It brings insecure or non-existent attachment, difficulties in a child’s identity and self-esteem issues. Emotionally Distant Families may be one of the least apparent dysfunctional family settings.“Chronic conflict family.”
“Pathological households.”
“The chaotic household.”
“The dominant-submissive household.”
“Emotionally distant families.”
How do children cope with growing up in a dysfunctional family?²
Basem Abbas Al Ubaidi, a Consultant Family Physician at Arabian Gulf University, Bahrain, describes the following coping styles to survive a dysfunctional family.
A child who assumes the parental role or inadvertent plays the role of the ‘peacekeeper’ to mediate and reduce tension between conflicting parents. Their behaviour may be reacting to their unconscious anxiety about family collapse. A young person may inadvertently play a ‘distracting family role’ to attract attention and keep the family busy from their relationship difficulties, thereby keeping the family together. The child is the black sheep blamed for most family dysfunction problems, while other children are seen as pleasing. Sometimes they may label the young child as ‘mentally ill’; despite being the only emotionally stable one in the family (with an adaptive function enabling them to handle appropriately in the toxic environment). The inconspicuous, quiet one whose needs are usually ignored. It uses comedy to divert attention away from the increasingly dysfunctional family system. The opportunist capitalizes on the other family members’ faults to get whatever they want.The excellent child (also known as the ‘Hero’/’Peacekeepers’ role)
The problem child or rebel (the ‘Deviant’ role)
The ‘Scapegoat’ role
The lost child
The mascot/charm child
The mastermind child
Surviving children usually have three qualities that make it possible for them to mature correctly or overcome the disadvantages of a dysfunctional family.
- Children have an admirable focused quality for themselves and could quickly grow up internally and not meet everyone else’s needs.
- Children have well-intentioned, unlimited energy with the plan to work hard.
- And lastly, children might have an adaptable maturation process that requires constant adjusting and change.
What does an average healthy family look like?²
If you have a family, you should strive to have these values and rules in your family.
- As an individual, you may express and show how you feel.
- There are rules and boundaries between family members that are respected and consistent.
- Family members are flexible in accommodating one another.
- All family members feel safe and secure (no fear of emotional, verbal, physical, or sexual abuse).
- Parents care for their children (not expecting them to take on their parental responsibilities).
- Responsibilities given are appropriate to their age, flexible, and forgiving to a child’s mistakes.
- The family doesn’t try to be perfect – they accept that having faults and making mistakes is normal.
Get help
If you recognize yourself or your family in the examples given and have problems adjusting or coping with life, please get help by talking to a mental health professional.
Prevention
Preventive efforts are essential. Providing support and safe environments to stressed families and single parents is crucial for helping children have a good early experience and forming appropriate bonds. It is preferable to remove it. Child welfare services and the courts need to understand that removing a child from their parents harms and is not a benign intervention.
See: Attachment Disorders Treatment & Management
More information:
https://www.mobieg.co.za/mental-health/toxic-parents-how-to-survive-them/
Individual care support ³
It should be appropriate to the traditional patient circumstance.
1. “Learn Protective Ways” by practising meditation and being patient with yourself and others.
2. Become “Self-Aware of Your Reaction” to break negative patterns as much as possible.
3. “Limit Your Time” spent with the toxic family/family member. Limit visits and holidays, and do what you can to prevent as much conflict as possible.
4. “Accept your Parents or Family Member’s Limitation” and don’t have to repeat their behaviour.
5. “Learn to “Identify and Express Emotions” by accepting your feelings/experiences and avoiding exaggerated consideration of others’ feelings.
6. “Try to Vent your Anger” in productive ways (exercise, sports, use art and creative expression) and not in destructive ways; don’t withhold your emotions.
7. Avoid “Chronic Guilty, Shame Feeling” that led to low self-esteem from their parent’s mistakes.
8. Begin “Individual Long Learning Practice” to know whom you trust and how much to trust by avoiding an all-or-nothing manner and avoiding seeking approval/acceptance from others. Instead, practice saying how you feel and asking for what you need.
9. Practice “Taking Good Care” of yourself by exercising, maintaining a healthy diet, and trying to identify enjoyable things to be done.
10. Begin to have a “Good Family Relationship” by focusing on yourself and your behaviour and reactions.
11. “Take Charge of Your Life/Happiness”, and don’t wait for others to give it to you.
12. At the end, “Move Out” if you meet the patient cultural/religious customs and tradition (with a friend or an extended family member) in a nurturing environment.
13. “Read Helpful Books” that provided strategies for recovering from dysfunctional family effects, such as set out in the article: Dysfunctional Families: Recognizing and Overcoming Their Effects
References & Resources
¹ first-steps-to-healing-the-south-African-family-final-report-mar-2011.pdf
² Cost of Growing up in a Dysfunctional Family.
³ Dysfunctional Families: Recognizing and Overcoming Their Effects