Having a low opinion of yourself is not modesty – it is self-destruction. Bobbe Sommer
”No matter what you do when you are insecure, it will all be done poorly. The higher the stress of your desire to act well, the worse the results will be. Lack of faith in your abilities and overrated complexity of external problems lead to a state of constraint or constant stupor. ” Vadim Zeland¹
The Self Esteem Institute defines low self-esteem as ”a thinking disorder in which the individual views (thinks of) himself as
inadequate, unacceptable, unworthy, unlovable, and incompetent –
thinking that permeates every aspect of a person’s life”.
Dr Marilyn Sorensen argues that emotions and feelings are irrational and distorted once thinking is formed. This causes the person to have difficulty knowing who and when to trust and incites fear and trepidation in new situations where they may not know what is expected of them.
Low self-confidence means doubting your abilities, which may vary from situation to situation. For example, a person may have healthy self-esteem but have low confidence in writing a maths test because of past failures.
Having extremely high self-esteem is highly energy-demanding and has its pitfalls, as illustrated in the picture below.
It seems being ”average” in self-esteem is best for us. In his book Emotional First Aid, Guy Winch states that ”ideally our self-esteem should lie in a range where our feelings of self-worth are both strong (not too low) and stable (not too high and fragile).”
In his book Reality Transurfing, Vadim Zeland advises, ” Stop justifying yourself to others. Please do not leave it up to others to judge your value. No one has the right to judge you for whatever you have done unless you have caused harm to another person. ”
What are the signs of having low self-esteem?
- to withdraw socially
- to be sensitive to criticism
- feelings of hostility
- excessive preoccupation with personal problems
- physical symptoms like headaches, fatigue and insomnia (sleep disorders)
In short, low self-esteem makes us feel insecure, ineffective, unconfident, and disempowered. Struggling to feel significant also consumes a lot of energy.
Note: Depression can masquerade as low self-esteem, where a person feels negative not only about themselves but also about everyone around them.
What causes low self-esteem?
According to Dr Sorensen, ”low self-esteem ALWAYS forms in childhood when the individual is developing an initial view of how he or she, as a person, fits into the world. This process begins at birth and may continue to be cemented up to the age of 8 or 10.” Examples are:
- being subject to abuse – sexual, emotional or physical, and the loss of control associated with this
- having your physical and emotional needs neglected in childhood
- failing to meet the expectations of your parents
- feeling like the ‘odd one out at school /bullying
- coming from a community that often experiences prejudice, such as being an asylum seeker or being poor but living in a wealthy neighbourhood
- peer pressure to conform to social norms which you disagree with
- bullying or excessive force at work
- trauma
- physical ill-health – its impact on your quality of life and activities you can do
- bereavement
- facing redundancy or being unemployed
- social isolation and loneliness.
How to obtain a calm inner power
Both low self-esteem and confidence can drain your energy. Both take a lot of effort to maintain.
Consider a new life philosophy: ”If I don’t have importance, I will have nothing to defend and conquer.”¹
A better way is to live with coordination: live in harmony with the world around you and yourself. It means your mind and soul are united, and you can listen closely to your heart’s wishes and live by your philosophy. When your mind and soul are united, you are devoid of feeling guilt, dependency, superiority, obligation, fear and worry. You constantly move with the flow, and everything falls in place around you.¹
A calm inner power results in trusting your ability to make decisions and feeling empowered to make choices without excessive self-doubt.
Furthermore, individuals with a calm inner power can form secure and honest relationships while also being capable of discontinuing unhealthy ones. It entails establishing solid and genuine connections with others built on trust, respect, and open communication and recognizing when to let go of toxic or harmful relationships.
Such individuals have realistic expectations and are not overly critical of themselves or others. ”Genuine calm confidence in yourself is based solely on inner self-sufficiency and completeness. It means you are not comparing yourself to anybody else—you are simply in total balance with your soul.” ¹
Lastly, a calm inner power leads to greater resilience, enabling individuals to endure stress and setbacks better without letting these challenges negatively impact their self-worth. It means maintaining a positive sense of self regardless of difficult circumstances and having the emotional strength to bounce back from adversity without letting it change how you feel about yourself.
- How to fight fear? – Find a safety net, an alternative, or another way around.
- How do you not worry and get anxious? -Act
- How not to desire? – Accept a defeat and act.
- How not to expect? – Act.
- How to increase one’s significance? – Reject your fighting it.
- How not to get irritated? – Do not fight your reaction to a provocation. Change your attitude.
- How can you get rid of the feeling of guilt? -Stop justifying yourself.
Vadim Zeland¹
Quiz
You can do a quiz to determine whether you have issues with your self-image.
Resources:
- Reality Transfusion. 3. Forward to the Past. Vadim Zeland. 2008.
- Dr Marilyn Sorensen. The Self Esteem Institute, http://getesteem.com/about/
- Emotional First Aid. Guy Winch. 2013.
Image by Luisella Planeta LOVE PEACE ?? from Pixabay