“It takes strength to make your way through grief, to grab hold of life and let it pull you forward.”
~ Patti Davis
Grief – intense sorrow – is a natural response to loss, primarily caused by someone’s death.
Grief is the emotional suffering you feel when you lose someone or something (pet) you love. Traumatic surgery can also cause intense feelings of loss, for example, amputation or mastectomy. However, the death of a loved one often causes the most intense anguish. Break-up relationships and divorce also cause people to mourn the loss – even in children.
“I will never be the same again…”
Most persons who have experienced loss share the statement above. Grief is change. We didn’t plan or ask for the loss we experienced that caused the change. Most of the time, our new normal” is intolerable because it all happens simultaneously. We yearn to be the person we were before – but the change is permanent. Few other things in life change and mould us as loss does. It is futile to hope things return to how they were and that you will be the same person. A better approach would be to make sense of what happened and eventually embrace the change.
Note: There is no time limit for mourning loss – as long as you keep moving through the different stages of grief. Problems arise when people get stuck in one phase.
The five stages of grief
Our reaction to grief is unique – as unique as the person experiencing it. Generally, the following five stages can be identified in grieving people and do not appear in a defined sequence: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Loss. Instead, we should view the five stages of grief as learning to live without the person we lost.
The Five Stages of Grief include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In no defined sequence, most of these stages’ broad individual experience occurs when faced with the reality of their impending death or that of a loved one. Thus, the reactions to illness, death, and loss are unique to those experiencing them.
1. Denial and Isolation
Often, the first reaction to learning of a terminal illness or the death of a cherished loved one is to deny the situation’s reality. Feelings of being overwhelmed and shocked trigger denial. We block out the words and hide from the facts because it is too much to bear. Until reality sets in, denial is the transient response.
2. Anger
Another emotion that often surfaces is anger. It might be immediate, or it might appear much later. Anger aimed at themselves (guilt-driven) means a person feels they could have or should have prevented the death or loss. Or it is aimed at inanimate objects, strangers, friends or family, or our dying or deceased loved one. Again, it occurs despite the person knowing they are not to blame.
3. Bargaining
Often, people negotiate with God to instead take them (trading places), or they make promises about what they would do if God only spared the dying or critically ill person’s life. Or:” If God can only intervene and stop my parents from getting a divorce.”
It is a normal reaction, and its purpose is a need to regain control.
- If only we had sought medical attention sooner.
- If only we got a second opinion from another doctor.
- If only we had tried to be a better person toward them.
- If only I said no when he asked to go out.
- If only I had been a better-behaved child – my parents wouldn’t be getting a divorce.
- If only I had done more to save my marriage.
We might be trying to make deals with God to reverse what happened.
4. Depression
The hurt and sadness that come with loss at first are so deep and painful that it might feel that it will never end. It seems as if there is no way the intense pain will ever go away. The severe pain can cause people to give up on life to end the pain. The sadness and crying can take long to become softer, but it eventually loses intensity. You need to allow yourself to be sad and cry – God gave us tears for a reason – to heal. If you allow yourself to experience the emotions, you will eventually move through the stage of sadness and depression. Periods of sadness will space out; later, it will only return on particular days of remembrance or with specific memories. Sometimes, all we need is a good cry and a hug
5. Acceptance
Not everyone reaches this stage. Many people never forget and never truly accept the loss. For others, it might take years to get to acceptance. We might come to terms with the impending death of a loved one or the death of a person with more ease if they are in severe pain or suffering, as with cancer patients. On the other hand, it might be more difficult to accept losing someone suddenly, for example, in an accident. We go through a grief process to endure a failed romance or relationship.
6. Finding meaning
Recently, David Kessler added a sixth stage. After the sudden loss of his son, who was 21 years old, David wrote a book on the 6th stage of grief, Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. He says the following:
“meaning is finding a way to sustain your love for the person after their death while you move forward with your life. Loss happens to everyone in life. Meaning is what you make happen.”
He states that healing often only takes place in the sixth stage. For example, a person who lost a family member to suicide might find healing by starting a support group for parents who also lost someone to suicide. Or, where a child died of a drug overdose, a person might start a campaign against drug dealers and abuse in their community. Their action helps heal the wound of loss and gives sense to what happened and value to the deceased person’s life and death.
It is essential to go through the grief process, not around it. Acceptance will only come if you work through it.
Grief & depression: what is the difference?
Distinguishing between grief and clinical depression isn’t always easy as they share many symptoms, but there are ways to tell the difference. Grief is a multifaceted response. It involves various emotions and a mix of good and bad days. You will have moments of pleasure or happiness even during the grieving process. On the other hand, depression sufferers have constant feelings of emptiness and despair.
Other symptoms that suggest depression, not just grief:
- An intense, pervasive sense of guilt
- Thoughts of suicide or a preoccupation with dying
- Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
- Slow speech and body movements
- Inability to function at work, home, and school
- Seeing or hearing things that aren’t there – delusions
Anti-depressants: will they help me cope better with grief?
As a general rule, normal grief does not warrant the use of anti-depressants. While medication may relieve some of the symptoms of suffering, it cannot treat the cause of loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the grieving person’s pain, anti-depressants delay mourning.
When time passes, and I am still grieving:
Feeling sad, numb, or angry after a loss is normal. But as time passes, these emotions should become less intense as you accept the loss and move forward. If you aren’t feeling better over time or your grief is getting worse, it may signify that your grief has developed into a more severe problem, such as complicated grief or major depression.
Symptoms of complicated grief :
- Intense longing and yearning for the deceased
- Intrusive thoughts or images of your loved one
- Denial of the death or sense of disbelief
- Imagining that your loved one is alive
- Searching for the person in familiar places
- Avoiding things that remind you of your loved one
- Extreme anger or bitterness over the loss
- Feeling that life is empty or meaningless
Self-help
How to cope with grief
Get support
Never grief alone. If you are a person who is not comfortable sharing your emotions under normal circumstances, you must do so when you grieve. When you share your feelings, your loss will become more bearable. Finding support can come from family, friends, your faith and church, support groups or a therapist or grief counsellor.
Take care of yourself.
Grief is stressful and emotionally draining. To successfully move through the stages, you need to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Helpguide lists the following aspects as guidelines for coping with the loss.
Face your feelings. Avoiding the pain of grieving will prolong the process. Instead, acknowledge the pain. It is okay to cry, be sad and talk about the deceased. Every time you allow yourself to feel and talk, you lessen the pain.
Be creative. Creatively expressing your feelings is an excellent way to deal with them. For example, you can write down the things you never got to say in a journal or make a scrapbook or photo album to remember the person by.
Look after your physical health. Exercise, eat healthily and get enough sleep. Don’t be tempted to turn to alcohol or drugs to cope with emotional pain. It might numb the pain for a few short hours- then the pain will return. Rather, deal with it soberly.
It’s not just okay for you to grieve – you have a right to grief. Let no one tell you to get over yourself and move on. Everyone grieves differently. There is no specific time to it. Let yourself feel whatever you feel without embarrassment or judgment.
How does one handle special days? Anniversaries, holidays and milestones might make it harder to cope with memories. Know that you might have these difficult times and plan with family members to cope with them.
How do you help a grieving person?
Listen with compassion. It is not what you say but how well you can listen. Never force a person to talk to you. Instead, ask, “Do you feel like talking?” Be willing to sit in silence. Let them speak/share. Acknowledge all feelings. The bereaved person should feel free to cry, share, and break down without any judgment from you. Offer comfort and support without minimizing the loss.
Comments to avoid:
- I know how you feel.
- It is part of God’s plan.
- You can be thankful for…
- He is in a better place now.
- What happened is behind you now – it is time to get on with your life.
- Any statement that begins with “you should” or “you will”
2. Be there for them.
Consistency is the key. Bereaved people often feel they are a burden to everyone. They prefer to hide away and try and work through it independently. It prolongs grieving. It will support them immensely if you can be there for as long as it takes. Examples of what you can do:
- Help with cooked meals/ shopping for groceries/ other errands.
- Helped with funeral arrangements/accommodated funeral guests.
- Help with picking up kids from school or taking care of them.
- Drive them around on errands.
- Take them for tea, a movie, or lunch.
- Accompany them on a walk and chat.
- Help take care of pets/do laundry and house cleaning.
- Stay in touch long after the funeral – check in, drop by.
- Offer extra support on holidays or birthdays.
3. Watch out for warning signs of unresolved grief.
If a grieving person shows signs of the following:
- Struggling to function normally in daily life
- Extreme focus on death
- Excessive bitterness, anger or guilt
- Neglecting personal hygiene
- Addictive behaviour of some sort
- Withdrawal from life/inability to find enjoyment in life
- Feelings of hopelessness
- Suicidal thoughts
Resources:
Take care of yourself as you grieve
Myths and facts about grief and grieving
Seek support for grief and loss
Main image: Pixabay