You went through something hard long ago and thought you were dealing with it. But now, those memories are returning, making you feel nasty things. You might even have nightmares and find it hard to go about your day like you used to. It might feel like you’re losing your mind, but you’re not. Remember, these feelings could mean you’re ready to heal more deeply.

How does healing from trauma happen?

Healing from a trauma like sexual assault or abuse happens in stages. Right after the assault, we usually shut down because the emotions feel overwhelming. This shutdown state may last for the entire time of abuse. But as time passes, we find ways to cope with it, regulate our emotions, and build a stable life. We may still have triggers or nightmares, and we don’t forget what happened, but over the years, we start to feel “normal.”

Sometimes, all those feelings come back. What’s going on?

Now, some deep part of you finally feels safe and stable enough to address the leftover emotional fallout that’s been patiently waiting for years. Your job right after trauma and in the years since has been to find stability. You developed successful coping mechanisms that let you function without falling apart. Those skills will get you through the next part of your recovery.

All the too-painful emotions that were overwhelming in the immediate aftermath might suddenly reemerge. They can be fear, anger, sadness, helplessness, and heartache. Your new task is to sit with those emotions and let them have their say. They’ve been patiently waiting for you, and if they’ve shown up now, they think you’re finally ready after all this time. You are strong enough to feel vulnerable for a while.

Remember, it’s normal to feel overwhelmed when dealing with trauma. Remind yourself that these new emotions are part of the healing process and won’t last forever. They don’t mean you’re going backwards in your healing journey or that you’ll always feel this way. There is an end to this!

Recognise that “the only way out is through.”

These emotions will disappear, but only after you let yourself feel them. Emotions give us valuable information about ourselves and the world, so you must learn to listen to them. It is your opportunity to learn that skill.

Here’s a guideline on how you question your feelings. Ask yourself:

What am I feeling?

Don’t just say you feel “good” or “bad” – be specific. Is it “sadness” or “anger” or “disappointment?” Try to find one or two words that best describe your feelings.

When did I first notice this feeling?

How long has the feeling been going on? Did you begin feeling it, or has it been looming for a while?

What’s the primary cause of this feeling?

Try to think of what event caused you to feel this way. Is there something that happened that stands out?

What are the possible secondary causes of this feeling?

What are some other factors that may be contributing to this emotion? Are there multiple “little things” that may have built up throughout the day?

How should I respond to this feeling?

What’s the best action to take in response to this emotion? Should you talk to someone, listen to music, go for a walk, or do something productive?

Should I wait for this feeling to pass?

Just because you feel something doesn’t mean you need to act on it. Sometimes, it’s better to “ride out” an emotion until it subsides. Our feelings are only temporary. They don’t last forever.

Go slowly.

If all these emotions feel overwhelming and scary, you can take them in small doses. It can help set a timer for 10-15 minutes daily and use that time to feel whatever you’re feeling right then. When the timer goes off, stop. (This is where your strength comes in!) It may be hard to think at first or stop feeling, but that’s why you’re practising. This exercise helps you build confidence to turn off the flood of emotions, reducing anxiety about letting yourself feel.

Give yourself credit for your progress.

It’s normal to get stuck in one emotion during the healing process. For example, you might feel sad for a week or angry for a month. But it’s important to remember that these feelings won’t last forever. Keeping a journal or talking to someone supportive can help you see that you’re making progress.

Writing in your diary/journal at least twice a day, in the mornings, can also regulate this when you get up and just before you go to bed at night. Then you ask yourself the following:

• How do I feel right now? How was my night/ day?
• What was best about it?
• What was the worst about it?

Emotional regulation can also be done with your partner through intentional dialogue. It works well at the end of your working day by spending 15 minutes over tea/coffee. Then you ask one another two questions:

1) What was the best thing that happened to you today?

2) What was the worst thing that happened to you today?

• Then, you help your partner to elaborate on each without interrupting or criticising.
• If you need additional support or resources, a therapist specialising in trauma recovery can help.

Source: https://www.goodtherapy.org