Guilt is a powerful emotion that can profoundly impact your life.

The Cambridge dictionary¹ defines it as ”a feeling of worry or unhappiness that you have because you have done something wrong, such as causing harm to another person”.

When a person indicates they are willing to absorb guilt, a manipulator (e.g., family, culture /tribe, boss, friends, or organisations) will stick to that person like glue and feed on their energy. They can use words like “must,” “obligated,” and “have to” to force individuals to serve their agenda.

It is a pervasive feeling whose primary function is to signal that we have done something or are about to do something that violates our beliefs or standards. We respond by making amends, and the feeling usually dissipates quickly afterwards.

Only you can give others the privilege of being your judge. If you are free of guilt, it will never occur to anyone to assert themselves over you.

What is unhealthy guilt?

Some people carry guilt with them for long periods – even years. It eventually poisons their whole system. It erodes self-esteem, corrupts relationships, and causes a person to self-destruct. It damages relationships in families, social circles, and entire communities by causing tension and allegiances between people. Guilt causes anxiety and depression. It is challenging for people with rumination tendencies and struggling to let things go.

Examples:

• I had an abortion – I can’t forgive myself.
• I am the only one who survived the accident.
• I am gay, and I feel so guilty – I am the only son.
• I caused my parent’s divorce.
• I failed my kids because I got divorced.
• I can’t provide for all my children’s needs
• I have failed at so many things – my parents hate me.

Guy Winch ² identifies three primary forms of guilt in his book, ”Emotional First Aid.”

• Unresolved guilt – originates from our lack of skill to offer effective apologies.
• Survivor guilt – originates from incidents where we survived, others did not, often without any wrongdoing on our part, and frequently has a PTSD component to it.
• Separation guilt originates from moving ahead in life while leaving others behind. We feel bad because we are better off than family members. It is also called disloyalty guilt.

In her book, ”Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes”, Therese Borchard ³ describes feeling guilt as follows:

“There is a voice that says I’m doing something terribly wrong and that I’m a horrible person.”

Questions you can ask yourself:

1. Where does my guilt come from?
2. How can I accept things that can’t change?
3. How can I learn to apologize effectively?
4. How can I make amendments?
5. How can I forgive myself?
6. How can I get back control of my life?

“There are two kinds of guilt: the kind that drowns you until you’re useless, and the kind that fires your soul to purpose.”   Sabaa Tahir, An Ember in the Ashes 

How to avoid feeling guilty

• Accept that you are not perfect – no one is, and you don’t have to be either.
• Learn to say NO. It is OK. You don’t have to over-compromise or over-commit and feel guilty because you couldn’t keep your promises.
• Refuse to take on feelings of guilt. You do not have to justify yourself to anyone, and you do not owe anybody anything.
• Avoid self-blame – be selective about what you accept responsibility for. Is it in your control or not?
• If you are to blame for something, you can accept the punishment but avoid becoming the guilty party afterwards.
• Avoid people who blame, criticise and judge. They will find ways to blame you, even with no wrongdoing on your part. It often occurs in toxic families.
• Set realistic goals and expectations for yourself. Unrealistic goals can lead to feelings of guilt and lack of control.
• Do not dictate to others how they should live their lives. Mind your own business. Trying to run other people’s lives creates tension and conflict. Ultimately, you only influence what you do.
• You do not owe those close to you anything either; you care about them because you love them, not because you have been coerced into doing so.
• Choose the time well when you make life-altering decisions. Never make them when you feel guilty.
• It is a bad idea to use guilt to motivate or punish yourself. 
• It is essential to recognise when guilt is being used as a manipulation tool and resist its pull. By doing so, you can stay true to your values and avoid being pulled in a direction that is not aligned with your goals and aspirations.
• Do not overthink stuff. Rumination brings no new understanding – instead, it deepens emotional distress and causes depression.

References:

¹ Cambridge Dictionary

² Emotional First Aid. Guy Winch. 2013.

³ ”Beyond Blue: Surviving Depression & Anxiety and Making the Most of Bad Genes”, Therese Borchard

”An Ember in the Ashes”, Sabaa Tahir

Reality Transurfing®?: Breaking Free of the Burden of Guilt. https://www.kathieowen.com/blog/reality-transurfing-guilt-2

Good read:

Reality Transurfing ®. Vadim Zeland. https://zelands.com/

”Every single person’s life is being influenced by the way he or she acts as well as the way he or she thinks. Transurfing is a unique technology of achieving goals and managing events with the help of special techniques of focusing the attention. Your life starts filling with everything you focus your attention on.”
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