How you argue — especially ending an argument — can determine your relationship’s long-term success or failure.
A primary requirement for any fight is to maintain control. You do not have the license to be childish, abusive or immature. If you have legitimate feelings, you are entitled to give a reasonable voice to those feelings constructively. (That includes not being self-righteous or taking yourself too seriously.)
Disagreements in relationships are inevitable. Do you go into it with a spirit of looking for resolution, or do you go into it meaning to get even, vengeance, and control? You’ll never win if you do that. If you make your relationship a competition, your spouse has to lose for you to win. It’s not a competition. It’s a partnership.
8 Tips to Handle a Disagreement Responsibly:
Take it private and keep it confidential.
Fighting in front of your children is nothing short of child abuse. It can and will scar them emotionally — all because you don’t have the self-control to contain yourself until you can talk privately.
Stick to the current issue – don’t dwell on the past
Please don’t bring up old grudges or sore points when they don’t belong in a particular argument. Put boundaries around the subject matter so that a fight doesn’t deteriorate into a free-for-all.
Share your feelings – do not accuse or blame
Deal with the issue at hand, not with a symptom of the problem. Get honest about what is bothering you, or come away from the exchange even more frustrated. The best way to achieve this is to share what you feel and not to attack, for example:
To say: ‘’I feel very neglected if you go out with your friends every weekend.’’
Not to say: ‘’You never give attention to me because you always go off with your friends.’’
Do not insult your partner
Stay focused on the issue rather than deteriorating to the point of attacking your partner personally. Don’t let the fight degenerate into name-calling. Again, instead, share what you feel and how you feel about something rather than accusing or blaming.
Accusing or blaming immediately puts someone on defence. A person who has to defend themselves immediately thinks with their “reptilian brain, ” which controls the fight-or-flight reaction.
No rational thinking is possible while a person reacts with their reptilian brain – which controls instinct and reflex. You need a calm person to disagree with if you want them to understand – thinking with their modern brain with the highest level of control and foresight.
Focus on solving the problem or reaching a compromise
Know what you want when going into a disagreement. If you don’t have a goal, you won’t know when you’ve achieved it.
Allow your partner to retreat with dignity.
How an argument ends is crucial. Recognize when an olive branch is being extended to you — perhaps as an apology or a joke — and give your partner a face-saving way out of the disagreement.
Stay calm – don’t be angry.
Every single thing you disagree about is not an earth-shattering event or issue. You do not have to get mad every time you have a right to be. Remember, when you get angry, you use your reptilian brain and go into flight or fight mode. Trying to solve a disagreement in fight-or-flight mode is always counterproductive.
Make sure to talk and then END the discussion.
Arguments should be temporary, so don’t let them get out of hand. Don’t allow the ugliness of a fight to stretch on indefinitely. If one of you gets angry, take time-out immediately. Continue the discussion when you both have calmed down. Solving problems requires rational thinking.