“It hurts the most when the person that made you feel so special yesterday makes you feel so unwanted today.” Healthyplace.com

What makes women pick the ”wrong guy” time and again?

”’ He started courting me with a rush of intensity. When I finally started to open up to him, he reacted with aloofness and indifference”.  ”He suddenly doesn’t come home anymore”.” He made someone else pregnant”. ”He doesn’t talk to me anymore”. ”He blames me for everything”.

Women are swept off their feet by ”prince Charming”. 

They have a romantic idealisation of the relationship rooted in their subconscious mind, which blinds them to any red flags other people see.

They don’t know any better. They don’t possess the skills and people knowledge that could help them make better choices.

They set their sights low because they don’t have high expectations, which can be linked to low self-esteem. She accepts the first guy interested, fearing he might be the last one to show interest.

They come from an unstable upbringing. Examples are absent father figures, being abused or neglected as children, and growing up in a home where the abuse happened frequently. This is what they know and accept – it is familiar and comforting to them, and although it causes angst – they believe, ”Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t”.

They fear being alone or on their own. They choose to commit to a new relationship quickly before they get to know the guy well—rather than being on their own.

Extreme physical attraction. Sexual tension can be felt. While interest is essential, it might numb your brain to tell you about other worrisome qualities the guy has.

What makes women stay in a bad relationship?

Many women choose to stay. Why?

The no-one answer is: ”I love him so much”. The guy’s charm intoxicates them. The memory of how nice it was when it started is still fresh in their minds, and they cling to the hope that it can go back to that time. The truth is that what you accept will continue. This includes all the bad behaviour as well.

Some women are too scared to leave – they are being manipulated and controlled by the guy. They fear being physically hurt or financially punished. Some guys even threaten to commit suicide should the woman leave.

Some women believe they don’t deserve better. The guy they choose is a reflection of how they feel about themselves. ”You probably think that you aren’t good enough, and guys like that are the only ones who can be interested in you.” Maria Parker, psychologist.

Some women feel they have invested much in the relationship and find it hard to break up and leave. Often, children are involved and decide to keep it going for the sake of the children.

She believes she can change him. This is human folly – we can never change a person. We can only change ourselves.

He helps to pay the bills. This is one of the biggest reasons women must stay – they cannot financially provide for themselves and their children.

Some women are too scared to be alone. They would rather face a future of abuse and unhappiness than face life alone.

How does a bad relationship affect a woman?

It shocks, it traumatises, and it erodes self-worth. The woman might try to rationalise reasons for staying. The longer she remains – the harder it becomes to leave. It can affect the woman’s mental and physical health (high blood pressure, diabetes, and obesity).

[spcaer]

“A good relationship test is how a person responds to the word ‘No.’ Love respects ‘No.’ Control does not.”  Dr. Henry Cloud

What are the stages of leaving a bad relationship?

• Firstly, the woman feels she must try to improve it because she already invested so much. She tries to minimise the abuse by keeping quiet and prevents triggering his anger – she walks on eggs all the time. Many are very ashamed of what is happening in their relationships.
• Slowly, she starts to realise the relationship is abusive, and she loses hope.
• Eventually, she realises that she has to leave for self-preservation. These are the lucky ones – many others don’t go, and they are destroyed as a person or killed.

How do you stop choosing the wrong guy?

Take a look at each relationship you had (list the guys’ names) and answer the following questions:

• What made you decide to go for him? Was it his good looks, financial position, charm, qualifications, house and car, or need or lack of anything that made you want to be his partner?
• Did he turn out the way you thought he was? Or did he turn out to be someone entirely different?
• What changed in your relationship that it became a harmful/toxic relationship?
• List his qualities you only saw afterwards.
• What gave you hope that it would get better?
• What made you lose hope that it would get better?
• What made you decide it was time to leave?
• What made it hard to leave?
• Which coping skills or knowledge (if any)  have you gained through this experience?
• What would you look out for or do differently next time?

What are the qualities you should look for in a long-time partner?

A long-term partner is someone who is responsible and who is good in all aspects of their lives.

It means they are authentic, honest (trustworthy), accountable, caring, and supportive. They bring value as human beings into a relationship by enhancing the partners’ lives. In times of crisis, they step up. They are the go-to person when something is broken or stuck. They are always the same—they don’t shock or hurt you through their actions. It takes time to get to know a person’s qualities this well.

Each of us has ideas of what qualities our ideal partner should possess. It is a good idea to have a little black book where you list yours. Also, make a list of dealbreakers—things you are not prepared to accept. These can be cheating, lying, anger explosions, any form of abuse, sarcasm, etc.

Choosing to be single isn’t selfish, it’s just smarter to be on your own than with the WRONG person.