Abusers are not easy to spot. There is no ‘typical’ abuser. They may appear friendly and loving to their partner and family in public. However, they often only abuse behind closed doors. They also try to hide the abuse by causing injuries that can be hidden and do not need a doctor.
Partners often report the following:¹
- He has this attitude that ”I owe him.”
- He twists things around and says that it is always my fault.
- He runs my life, which suffocates me.
- Others think highly of him – they never see the side I have to live with.
- He says he loves me – but why does he treat me so badly then?
Note:¹
- A partner who is chronically mistreated starts doubting themselves.
- Abusers thrive on creating confusion, including confusion about the abuse itself.
- There is nothing wrong with you – your partner’s abuse problem is his own.
- You can’t change him.
What do you need to watch out for (red flags):
- Controlling behaviour
- Possessiveness
- Jealousy
- Unpredictability
- Easy to anger
- Foul language
- Isolating you from family or friends
- Disrespectful behaviour towards others
- Cruelty – for example, to animals
- Failure to show compassion
- Failure to accept responsibility
What causes a man to be abusive to his partner?
Men who believe they should have power and control over their women and who get away with it tend to be abusive partners. They are not born this way – they learned from other men / in the family or their culture that being abusive helps you to get what you want.
Abusers often have low self-esteem. They do not take responsibility for their actions. They may even blame the victim for causing the violence. In most cases, men abuse female victims. It is important to remember that women can also be abusers, and men can be victims.
Types of Abusive Men
Here is a short list compiled by Lundy Bancroft over years of working with abusive men. He describes different types of abusers in his book, ”Why does he do that? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men”. If you are being abused, reading the book will benefit your understanding of what you are up against.
- The Demanding Man: he is highly entitled and expects his partner to devote her life to him.
- Mr Right: a man who believes he is the ultimate authority on every subject on earth and believes you are so idiotic he has to save you from yourself.
- The Water Torturer: he is a cruel emotional abuser who cuts you down with sarcasm, twisting your words smugly, especially in front of other people.
- The Drill Sergeant is an extreme controller, controlling everything from what you wear to where you go and who you talk to. He runs your life and hangs over you like a hawk.
- Mr Sensitive: You always hurt his feelings. He needs constant attention and sets you on a guilt trip about everything that lacks or goes wrong.
- The Player: good-looking, but forever chasing after other women, cheating, flirting, while his interest in you wanes. He breaks up with women and then gets back with them – keeping everyone confused.
- Rambo: he is aggressive and handles everything in life by creating fear. Showing emotion like sadness or compassion is equivalent to weakness.
- The Victim: life has been unfair to him. His talk is marred by contempt and disrespect, often about a previous partner who abused him.
- The Terrorist: he threatens to kill you. He constantly reminds you that your life and well-being are in his hands. Seeing you terrified excites and satisfies him.
- Mentally ill or addicted abuser: it doesn’t cause abuse but can increase the risk of violence. He uses the illness or addiction as an excuse to abuse.
https://www.mobieg.co.za/abuse/warning-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship/
Main image: Pixabay
Resource: ¹ ”Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men.” Lundy Bancroft. 2003.