”Never let someone who contributes so little to a relationship control so much of it.” Geekoandfly
Signs that can indicate a potential abusive relationship
People associate abuse with bruises, black eyes and other physical injuries. There are, however, forms of abuse in relationships that do not leave marks on the physical body – emotional abuse, for example, impacts your mental health.
Relationships mostly start with partners being the most wonderful person ever – they are attentive and charming – 100% what you hoped and dreamed of. There is, however, no person that matches you 100%. Often, the potential abuser wooed you in such a way that you do not even realise this person is controlling you. To you, it feels like true love.
Note: Long-term emotional abuse has a much higher ratio of causing depression and anxiety than any other kind of trauma – even sexual molestation.
Listed here below are some behaviours you should watch out for.
RED FLAGS YOU NEED TO TAKE NOTICE THAT CAN BE INDICATIONS OF ABUSE TO COME.
He is the most romantic man –a prince on a white horse who spoils you rotten. He focuses all his attention on you and does all he can to win your heart. While you might believe this is love, his motive is to make you fall in love as quickly as possible because that way, he can control you. He knows if you are in love with him, you are less likely to recognise what’s to come as abusive.
Red flag number one: Beware of any guy that is too good to be true. We are all unique individuals; no one ticks your boxes 100%. If he does – he is probably faking it.
Truth: It takes time to get to know a person. Everyone sets their best foot forward initially, but keeping it up in the long run isn’t easy. Take your time to get to know someone very well vertically before you get to know them horizontally. We are talking here about dating for months – not days or weeks. Read the ‘’12 Steps to Intimacy’’ if unsure how a relationship should progress.
His next strategy is to convince you that you were born to be with him. He talks about love at first sight and how he has never loved anyone this much. A guy who has known you briefly and says he can’t live without you should set alarm bells off.
Red flag number two is a guy who pushes you to be exclusive, get engaged, or marry. He might also try to isolate you from family or friends –to limit their influence on you.
Truth: A guy who loves you will never push you for anything until you are ready. While your heart fears losing him, your brain/ gut feeling might tell you you are unprepared for this. Never make life commitments under pressure. You have a right to take your time, get to know him, and decide. You also have a right to let your family get to know him. Pressure in any way is the road to future abuse.
He displays jealousy – which you take as a compliment because you think he loves you that much. No. Jealous partners destroy relationships. He expects that you are all his.
Red flag number 3: A guy who checks your phone, monitors your movements, and questions your friends is busy alienating you from the people you love. He might accuse you of cheating and make you feel guilty if you greet a friend on the street or visit your loved ones.
Truth: If he does any of the above, he is already abusing you emotionally and mentally. Trust is one of the cornerstones of a relationship. Without trust, there can never be true love. In a healthy relationship, partners should allow each other to pursue individual interests and friends besides their shared activities. You are separate people – a relationship doesn’t mean becoming like Siamese twins.
He starts prescribing what you can and cannot do and masks that as being of concern to you. You believe it is because he loves you that much. However, he interrogates you about your movements, and you feel like walking on eggs – not knowing what will trigger his next lousy mood.
Red flag number 4: A guy who wants to control where you go and who you talk to should send you running for the hills. He might show up at work, accusing other men of having affairs with you. He masks it as a concern, but he isolates you more from your support system of friends and family daily.
Truth: Even in marriage, you have a right to free movement, talk to whoever you want, and see your family when you wish to. Anyone who wants to check your phone needs your permission to do so. You are under no obligation to allow anyone to check your phone. Anyone who does so is busy with abusive behaviour.
As time goes by, he finds it more challenging to keep pretences – he displays anger and physical abuse, emotionally breaks you down, and may pressure you for more sex. It can be a confusing time for you – dealing with guilt and thinking about what you can do to fix things 24/7.
Red flag number 5: A guy who belittles you or hurts you physically in any way – is an abuser. Coercing a partner to have sex is abuse.
Truth: By this time, you might be confused about what went wrong, and your focus would be on yourself and how to fix it—precisely what he wants. He wants you to think it is all your fault, and he is right in what he says and does. However, he is the problem—not you. You have the right to say no to sex – even in marriage. Don’t stay because of your hope for the man you love; you will spend most of your time being controlled by the man who hurts you. Walk away—distance brings back perspective.
If a guy feels sorry for himself, please remember that most abusers are narcissistic – and whatever goes wrong is never their fault. They see themselves as the victims. It is your fault that they are unhappy or that they physically attacked you. They give excuses like they love you so much – and that your ‘’actions’’ drove them to lash out.
Red flag number 6: A guy who never takes responsibility for any of his actions in a relationship, who blames you – is an abuser.
Truth: While he expects ‘’you to make him happy,’’ we are responsible for our happiness. His not being happy is not your fault. That is on him alone. If you are still with him, you are in trouble if your relationship has deteriorated to this point. A lifetime with an abuser is a very long time to live with anguish, worry, mental and physical illness, distrust, isolation, shame and intense sadness. (this is all you will know instead of love, trust, happiness, and fulfilment)
Fact: Abusers do not change. You cannot fix him or the relationship. For him, it will always be about power and control. Abusers often have low self-esteem. They thrive on creating confusion.
The only thing you can and should do – is to walk away. He will always make your life miserable. You deserve better.
Source: breakthecycle.org/warning-signs
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References:
6 Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship | HuffPost Women. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/early-warning-signs-of-an_b_6009076?guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly93d3cuZ29vZ2xlLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAGKwls-qrsaXEZiflFV_gaBiqN4604sjSe_RRGgqgSJ7S4zSNk8zyYGqYTTVG6cLA4vL5c6YBw5xG4Yu4qfE8nQXRD7htMM7G890Hv1OC7DpA7mbbxjRTEG5eb7RI8nnctUwnuNduKsLeLyxnFwUrN4HlnppS0kCTjoT4vCtBMqi