Can an abusive partner change? When is it time to leave?
- A woman is murdered every three hours in South Africa.
- Domestic violence has the most repeat victims of any other crime in that a victim suffers 35 assaults on average before reporting it to the police the first time.
That is how powerful being infatuated or falling in love can be. It is so powerful that you fall head over heels into an obsession with the other person and, in most cases, the idea of what the other person should or could be. When it comes to dysfunctional relationships, people usually hold on because they are deeply invested; whether it be financing, dependence, emotions, or even that so much time has passed, they feel there is no way out.
Fear of the abuser and lack of financial resources are 2 of the top reasons women do not leave abusive relationships in South Africa.
it’s not always loud. it’s not always obvious. the poison doesn’t always hit you like a gunshot. sometimes, it seeps in quietly, slowly. sometimes, you don’t even know it was ever there until months after. Catharine Hancock
The truth is, it is challenging for abusers to change because behaviours that cause them to abuse others are learned over many years and include attitudes and feelings of entitlement and privilege. While people do have the capacity to change, they need to be sincerely committed to all aspects of change to begin to do so — and even then, it’s a lot easier said than done. Unfortunately, there is a meagre percentage of abusers who truly do change their ways.
Please note: it’s impossible to change in one month. We develop behaviours over a lifetime that become part of our nature. At the root of abuse is a need to dominate and control. Various circumstances may account for action, but it doesn’t change the fact that it is there. That didn’t occur overnight, and the only way it can change is to re-program the person for new behaviour, but that original programming is still in there.
According to author Lundy Bancroft, the following are some changes in your partner that could indicate they’re making progress in their recovery:
- Admitting fully to what they have done
- Stopping excuses and blaming
- Making amends
- Accepting responsibility and recognizing that abuse is a choice
- Identifying patterns of controlling behaviour they use
- Identifying the attitudes that drive their abuse
- Accepting that overcoming abusiveness is a decades-long process — not declaring themselves “cured.”
- Not demanding credit for improvements they’ve made
- Not treating improvements as vouchers to be spent on occasional acts of abuse (ex. “I haven’t done anything like this in a long time, so it’s not a big deal)
- Developing respectful, kind, supportive behaviours
- Carrying their weight and sharing power
- Changing how they respond to their partner’s (or former partner’s) anger and grievances
- Changing how they act in heated conflicts
- Accepting the consequences of their actions (including not feeling sorry for themselves about the consequences and not blaming their partner or children for them)
Source: “Why Does He Do That? Inside Th Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.’’ Lundy Bancroft
Psychology. today describes 5 reasons why people abuse their partners
Difficulty tolerating injury.
Knowing how to have your feelings hurt without retaliating is a critical relationship skill. Most abusers have a problem with anger management and have difficulty tolerating being hurt. Many men never develop this skill. They were taught if you get hurt, don’t show it. Boys don’t cry. And if someone hurts or embarrasses you, you must get back at them. They always retaliate.
Entitlement.
Male entitlement plays a significant role in the abuse. The entitlement can be culturally motivated. For example, payment of lobola is seen as an entitlement to punish women who are not subservient to their husbands. ((Ludsin & Vetten 2005) Ukuthwala is considered the culturally legitimate abduction of
a female to marry her. (Nkosi 2009) The Commission for Gender Equality has found ukuthwala to be a harmful cultural practice, especially given its link with GBV. It is hard for young girls to negotiate safe sex in these relationships. ¹
”Abusers consider abusive behaviour not only acceptable but justified — both a right and a privilege.”² If I think that I have a right not to be hurt or embarrassed, I’m likely to punish you when my entitlement has been violated. Men who use violence and control feel entitled to exercise these behaviours in relationships because they are men – entitlement reinforced by communities inside and outside the Church. ”They might believe that power at home is a man’s entitlement, whereas power in public has to be negotiated. Domestic abusers do not abuse their bosses, colleagues, or friends, which makes the victim doubt what is happening to them.”²
Lack of empathy.
We talk about “putting ourselves in other people’s shoes” all the time. Abusive people do put themselves in their partner’s shoes, but they don’t necessarily do it with generosity. They imagine that the other person wants to cause harm. The kind of empathy that helps us be decent requires generosity and a willingness to benefit from the doubt.
Lack of accountability.
One of the most crucial characteristics of a morally-centred, responsible, and mentally healthy individual is accountability for one’s actions and feelings. Abuse happens in the context of a world that says that it’s okay to hurt others when we are hurt. Abusive partners behave abusively, to some extent, because they can. They cause their partners to end up with a broken sense of self. You, as a victim, are being manipulated into blaming yourself.
People with narcissistic personality disorder are extremely resistant to change. Narcissistic personality disorder — one of several types of personality disorders — is a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their importance, a deep need for excessive attention and admiration, troubled relationships, and a lack of empathy for others. But behind this mask of extreme confidence lies a fragile self-esteem vulnerable to the slightest criticism. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201901/lack-accountability-in-narcissists
Unaddressed trauma
Any abusive partners have histories of complex childhood trauma, living in homes where they witnessed or were themselves abused. A history of unresolved trauma can result in high reactivity to injury.
Stop Waiting for Your Partner to Change
This is the biggest mistake a person can make when deciding to stay in a relationship where you’re being mistreated. According to People Opposing Women Abuse (POWA), it takes women 10 to 15 years (you may ask again ”What was I thinking???”) to leave an abusive relationship.
The most disturbing red flag of domestic violence is strangulation.
- Accept that the only person you control is yourself.
- Accept that it will hurt. There is no easy way of getting around it.
- You’re worried about missing the feeling of being desired and wanted, the intimate and close moments you shared.
- The hardest part is overcoming the initial discomfort of being alone. But once you get past that stage, life becomes much more manageable.
- The lessons you learn along the way will allow you to grow and become a better person.
- The pain will not last forever. Time is your best friend.
Please note: To get out or get away, you must create a safety plan for yourself and your children. For more help, chat with an online counsellor or follow the steps described in the article below.
[spcaer]These are the 17 ways POWA (People Opposed to Women Abuse) recommends every abused woman consider following as she plans to leave for good. To leave an abusive relationship safely, think things through carefully. You need the money and somewhere to stay and know how you will keep yourself – and your children – safe. Don’t threaten to go into a heated argument, as this is when most women get killed. Even telling him when he is calm might lead to him planning an act of violence against you. Just plan and then quietly leave. Not only will this protect them from potential harm in your absence, but it also makes it easier to make a case for obtaining legal custody later. Please don’t plan to come back for them, as this can make things more complicated and even dangerous for you. It may be harder to prepare, but taking your children with you is essential for these reasons. Abusive partners often prevent their partners from accessing capital. Start saving change from anything you’ve spent or returning items to shops and hiding the cash. ”Shelters such as the Saartjie Baartman Centre don’t expect you to pay for accommodation, clothing or food and often have programmes to revive your confidence back up and get you financial support by helping you find employment,” says Dorothea Gertse, a social worker and the shelter manager at the Saartjie Baartman Centre. You can also apply for emergency monetary relief through the courts. This means your spouse has to provide you with maintenance or money to cover rent or bond repayments. Abusive partners may check your phone and even install a tracking app. Try to get hold of an affordable second phone and keep it private so you can make plans and call for help if needed. This could be the secure home of a trusted friend or family member or a women’s shelter. Contact POWA for assistance in finding a shelter near you. This is to leave quickly when ready without anyone knowing you are going. Include money, a change of clothes, important documents, including proof of address (even though you are leaving), ID documents, proof of income, financial records, medication, and marriage and birth certificates. This is so that you can leave if your partner takes the original set away from you. Work out when you have a long enough gap between leaving uninterrupted. You can make calls using your usual phone to women’s shelters or hotels far from where you will be going. If you have the funds, you can pay for a hotel with a shared credit card and receive a booking confirmation on a monitored email address. The police and courts can help keep you safe from your abusive partner, but you need to know what steps to take: Write up a diary and evidence of any physical abuse that can be used later as proof. Take photos if there are visible marks. If you visit a doctor, ask them to note that the injuries result from domestic violence. If sexual abuse occurs, keep the clothes and sheets as evidence in a paper bag or wrapped in newspaper (but get these to a police station sooner rather than later). The diary should include the type, time, and date of the incident because these are the questions they might ask in court. Take any evidence, including photographs or stained items of clothing or sheets, along with you. The police may not refuse to open a docket for domestic violence. You will need to take your ID and any evidence of abuse along with you. You will first receive a temporary protection order, and then after a court appearance, you will receive a permanent one. The court may still grant your partner visiting rights to see his children if the abuse was only against you – although it can be argued that allowing them to see violence against their mother is an act of abuse. Every case will have a different outcome. Once your partner ignores the restrictions, call 10111 and report him to the police immediately. Arrange a taxi or an Uber, a reliable friend or family member, or your vehicle. Visit www.for-women.co.za, an information hub that offers access to a growing network of causes fighting to end women’s abuse. Connect with any of them quickly and efficiently to get the help you need. Ask them to prevent your partner from entering the building or gaining access to you. Don’t give away any information about where or who you are with. It would be best to stay off social media altogether. https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/17174256.Catarine_Hancock https://www.bookdepository.com/Why-Does-He-Do-That-Lundy-Bancroft/9780425191651 ¹ Gender-Based Violence (GBV) in South Africa: A Brief Review. April 2016. CSVR ² https://www.saferresource.org.au/male_entitlement_and_male_privilege Ludsin, H. & Vetten, L. (2005) Spiral of Entrapment: Abused Women in Conflict with the Law (Johannesburg: Jacana) https://www.1life.co.za/blog/16ways-16days1. Have a safety plan
2. Never tell your abuser that you are leaving
3. Plan to take your children with you
4. Save a stash of money secretly
5. Get a second secret phone
6. Identify a safe space that you can go to when you leave
7. Pack a bag of things you need and hide it somewhere away from your home
8. If you have a car, hide the spare keys
9. Learn your partner’s schedule
10. Create a fake trail
11. Get the law on your side
12. Report the assault to your local police station.
13. Obtain a domestic violence protection order from your nearest family court.
14. Make sure you have transport arranged for the day of leaving
15. Visit ForWomen
16. Inform your place of work that you have left your abusive partner
17. Be careful about what you post on social media
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