“I’m starting to remember who I was before you convinced me I was worthless.”
Abuse is the inappropriate or harmful use or treatment of something, often for dishonest or wrongful gain.
Abuse can come in many forms, such as physical or verbal maltreatment, injury, sexual assault, violation, rape, unjust practices; illegal practice or custom; offence; crime, or verbal aggression.
People sometimes have trouble recognising that they are being abused. Recognising abuse may be especially difficult for someone who has lived with it for many years. However, it is always okay to talk to a trusted adult or friend if you feel you or someone else are abused.
To abuse someone is not normal and is never okay. Noticing and acknowledging the signs of an abusive relationship is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love.
It is still abuse, even if your incident seems minor to what you have seen around you, or you have just been injured once or twice, or the abuse stopped because you just became passive and did not fight it anymore.
Abusers have common characteristics and are in control of what they are doing.
Abusers usually abuse people close to themselves – their loved ones. They save the abuse for when they are alone with their victims. Then, they can start and stop their abusive behaviour as they want. They will aim their abuse at places on the victim’s body where it won’t easily show – for example, hitting you on your head. They feel guilty about their actions but fear being exposed and caught.
Types of abuse
Physical abuse can include punching, hitting, pulling hair, and kicking, to name a few – sometimes seen in domestic violence besides other relationships.
Emotional abuse can be bullying, teasing, and humiliation. Intimidation, threats, putdowns, and betrayals are other forms of it.
Mental abuse shows up in mental harassment, torture, blaming, and demeaning ways to put the person under stress and make them suffer from feelings of intellectual incapability and despondency.
Verbal abuse involves foul language and calling names that often lead the person to have low self-esteem.
Financial abuse occurs when you aren’t allowed to keep or use your money, nor have any control over money.
Sexual abuse can happen to anyone, and it’s mainly being forced into any sexual relationship you don’t want.
Warning signs of an abusive relationship
Relationships don’t become abusive – they start that way.
Gandhi said: ”Every time we impose our will upon another, it is an act of violence.”
Definition: What is the primary aggressor?
A Primary Aggressor is an adult or adolescent who gains power and control in a relationship by limiting the partner’s options on an ongoing basis through vigilance, coercion, non-cooperation and punishment and maintains the limitation with the denial of abuse. ¹
At the start of a relationship, the primary aggressor is more careful in his tactics to woo you – till commitments are made. Below are 16 behaviours you should watch out for – all bold signs of abusive and controlling behaviour.
He is highly involved and intense.
This person focuses all their attention on you right away. They may plan elaborate dates and buy you gifts, making you feel obligated in return. They may also try to become overly involved in your life and keep you from doing things you enjoy.
He needs constant contact.
It’s essential to be aware if someone in a relationship wants constant contact, such as sending frequent texts, making long phone calls, showing up at your workplace, and insisting on always being with you. This could be a warning sign of emotional dependency and unhealthy attachment. In a healthy relationship, it’s normal for both partners to have separate activities and friends while participating in mutual ones.
He is jealous without reason.
Beware of a primary aggressor who exhibits jealousy. This jealousy does not stem from love but signifies a possessive and controlling nature. It serves as a warning sign that shouldn’t be overlooked.
He demands early commitment.
“Feeling pressured for commitment is a common experience. Some people may use control tactics to make you feel obligated, even when there is none.”
He has a blaming orientation toward life.
This is a warning sign if someone blames others for their feelings, behaviour, and past relationships. Keep this in mind when you meet someone who blames others for everything that goes wrong in their life.
He is too good to be true.
When starting a new relationship, people usually show their best qualities. However, it’s important to remember that nobody is a perfect match. Relationships involve compromise and understanding, like two rough stones rubbing against each other until they become smooth.
It’s a warning sign if someone seems to fit you perfectly. Likewise, if someone makes grandiose claims that are later proven untrue, such as dropping the names of famous individuals without verifying their connections to them, this should raise concerns.
He isolates you
Isolation can occur slowly over time but can escalate more rapidly if someone expresses doubts or a critical view. The individual involved may frequently dislike the person or insist that they are a bad influence and pressure you to avoid them.
He talks about trust and betrayal often.
It’s essential to recognize that this behaviour indicates a belief that others are not meeting the aggressor’s expectations, which can be seen as the beginning of justifying abusive behaviour. Acknowledging and addressing this pattern can help in preventing further harm.
He has road rage.
Keep an eye on how he behaves on the road. If he tries to punish another person for a mistake while driving, it might show how he will treat you if you make a mistake.
He honey-mouths you when he wants something.
Remember this: It’s okay to ask your partner for something politely. But if they push too hard and make it difficult for you to say no, that’s a problem. It’s a warning sign that they’re determined to get their way.
He shares news about his previous partners cheating on him.
The person who starts fights is highly jealous, and although it might have happened, it’s much more likely that it’s just something they imagined because of their jealousy. If they accuse multiple people of cheating, it’s a significant warning sign. They’ll likely do the same thing to you when you break up with them, trying to make themselves look like the innocent ones.
He tries to get back with his ex while wooing you.
He believes that nobody should have the authority to terminate a relationship and abandon him. Furthermore, it indicates a sense of urgency and reliance if he swiftly moves from one relationship to the next.
He is surrounded by secretiveness.
To have secrets in a relationship is a warning sign of an abusive relationship. This is because a primary aggressor often tells a person only what they know or will find out anyway. Learning something someone else doesn’t know is called compartmentalisation and leaves gaps in our knowledge about a person.
He shows up unannounced or uninvited.
He enjoys surprising you by arriving unexpectedly. This behaviour indicates extreme jealousy, and he uses these unannounced visits to monitor your activities.
He has few or no close male friends.
It’s concerning if he doesn’t have many or any close friends. A person who is usually the one to start fights might struggle to make and keep friends. We’re not sure why this happens. Maybe he feels jealous and sees other guys as competition, or perhaps he’s not good at being honest with them.
He has difficulty cooperating with others.
If a man often changes jobs, is unemployed most of the time, or prefers to work for himself, it might be a sign that he has trouble working or getting along with others. Notice if he always has a reason for not participating.
He has “attachment swings”.
Mood swings and attachment swings are distinct phenomena. Mood swings encompass a broad spectrum of emotions, ranging from profound sadness to joy. On the other hand, attachment swings involve shifting from feelings of contentment and trust towards others to harbouring suspicions and ultimately assigning blame.
He has to be right
The primary characteristic of a primary aggressor is their strong desire always to be right. Because of this, they struggle to apologize, and when they do, their apologies are rarely sincere.
Reference: (http://www.abuseandrelationships.org)
Other articles you can read about abuse:
A safety plan to escape from abuse
Warning signs of abusive relationships
QUIZ
You can do a self-test quiz to learn more about abuse:
If you see something – say something!
Failure to report child abuse or knowledge or suspicion of child abuse may result in prosecution and up to 5 5-year jail term.
References & Resources
https://www.healthyplace.com/insight/quotes/quotes-on-abuse
Domestic Violence – Shaadi.org. https://shaadi.org/domestic-violence/
9 Warning Signs of Emotional Abuse in a Relationship | Aha!NOW. https://www.aha-now.com/early-signs-of-an-abusive-relationship/
¹Warning Signs. https://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Resources/warning_signs.html